Monday, February 13, 2012

Five Wedding Trends That Make Me Vom.

Let me go ahead and apologize for insulting anyone's honor. If anyone outside of my immediate circle of friends read this, they may become very angry over some things I am about to say. However, I will not take it back. Isn't that the whole point of a blog, to express your opinion loudly and obnoxiously?

Ever since I became engaged, I have more or less filled my brain to capacity perusing wedding magazines and blogs. At first, I was ecstatic that I could buy bridal magazines--I refused to purchase them before the engagement, on account of not wanting to look sad and/or desperate to the cashiers. This was obviously an irrational fear of mine, but you're not likely to find logic in the Katie Eide thought process. After almost three months of buying up every magazine that could even be remotely related to planning a wedding, I am about to blackout from industry overload. I am seriously sickened over some current wedding trends that seem to be featured in EVERY MAGAZINE. Yet despite my disgust over the lack of original ideas, I still continue to purchase the magazines and pour over the blogs, daily. It is as if I have some horrible affliction--when all is said and done, I will probably have to go on that show My Strange Addiction, to prevent myself from being forever trapped in a world of glossy covers, meticulously styled photo shoots, and mason jars.

And that brings us to the first trend...

1. Mason Jars
Don't get me wrong, I believe that mason jars are the perfect vessel for flowers, Christmas lights, lightning bugs, ice cold beverages, etc. I think mason jars are great to use at an outdoor or barn wedding. So at this point you are probably thinking "Well Katie, if you love mason jars so much, why are they included in this list?" Let me put it this way: I love PPJ's (Papa John's) more than words can say, but sometimes I overdo it on the cheesy bread and lapse into a sickening food coma. It seems like every time I flip open a magazine, mason jars are almost always involved in several of the featured weddings, with a caption reading something like "a signature cocktail was passed around in mason jars" or "the flowers were beautifully arranged in mason jars." Stop it. Mason jars are not a novel and unique idea. They are not some astonishing breakthrough in wedding decoration. You might as well be saying "a signature cocktail was passed around in a glass" or "the flowers were arranged in a vase." Being a southern girl myself, I know all about the versatility of a mason jar. I don't need a magazine to tell me that. (Seriously, WHY do I keep reading these things?!!? I need a cleanse from them or something.) You know what I would like to see in a wedding? A centerpiece created from the hollowed-out skull of an albino polar bear, which the groom hunted down and killed with his bare hands the night before the wedding. Now THAT is an original idea!

2. Fake mustache props
I don't know when handlebar mustaches became mainstream, but suddenly they are EVERYWHERE. I have a feeling that hipsters had something to do with it, in one of their countless attempts at irony, but hipsters have jumped ship on that trend, now that the fake mustache has exploded into popularity. The damage was done though, because now millions of wedding-goers look foolish as they pose with mustache props, walk away with mustache favors, and drink from glasses imprinted with a mustache.
I have to be honest and admit that I too have been a victim of the fake facial hair craze:
I donned this faux handlebar for a PSA, to warn kids about the dangers of using 'roids. It appears the mustache is upside down, which shows how much I know. 

A cruel joke inflicted upon me by my brother, completely against my will.

So I can't say that I'm innocent in this whole ordeal. But please, can't we just make it stop? The worst is the mustache-on-a-stick prop for photo booths. There are a million different types of favors and photo props you can distribute among your wedding guests. For the love of all that is holy, leave facial hair where it belongs: in the past.

3. Miniature Food
Sliders! Tiny pies! Grilled cheese/tomato soup shooters!What an inspired idea! Wedding food has been totally revolutionized! People these days get so crazy over miniature food. It's the type of insanity associated with Black Friday, Beanie Babies, and Justin Bieber. Am I the only one who sees it for exactly what it is, a conspiracy drummed up by some secret society of caterers?

Think about this. You buy yourself a bag of fun sized snickers bars--do you eat just one? No. You think to yourself "these are so tiny, no big deal if I eat a couple!" Before you know it, you've had fifteen and you're passed out on the floor from a sugar coma.

This is exactly what will happen to your wedding guests! Well, they may not pass out, but they will see the tiny food and think "it's so small, I am going to have to fill up my plate AND go back for seconds and thirds!" That will definitely cause some serious food comas, but the only person to actually pass out will be you, once you get your catering bill.

4. Burlap
Burlap is for potatoes plucked fresh from the earth, and other dirt-encrusted items. Burlap has no place at a wedding...unless your caterer is unloading potatoes for the miniature baked potato bar. If so, carry on.

5. The Word "Chic"
These days, when people talk about the style of their wedding, they simply add "chic" to the end to make it sound classy. Examples: rustic chic, geek chic, vintage chic, barn chic, etc. This word has been used so often, it has lost all meaning. I have certainly never attended a wedding and thought to myself, "wow! this place is so  chic!"

My wedding is going to be "paranormal chic." We scoured vintage thrift stores for tons of spooky, Victorian-era memorabilia that we'll scatter all over the place. Guests can conduct their own ghost hunts with EVP equipment, and a psychic will host a seance every half hour. But, we're going to have a miniature dessert bar and a photo booth, which gives us just enough edge to throw in the word "chic."

So there you have it, the five wedding trends I would love to never see again, but will have to suffer through as soon as the March edition of Brides magazine is released. I. Have. A. Problem.

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