Thursday, August 29, 2013

Gettin' Weird with Millicent, v.3

Big news everyone! I graduated! My parents are very proud of me, and I'm also quite pleased with myself. Check me out!
Mom kept saying I was "valedictorian." What does that even mean?!?
Anyway, that is not the real reason I am writing today. Since we moved to a new house, we've been having oodles of visitors. I'm not sure if I can express in words how much this excites me, because I just LOVE to make new friends! If I could, I'd have friends over all day, every day.

You may wonder what keeps people coming back to our house, and I'll tell you--it's because we're the best in hospitality! My mom entices with food, my dad entices with drink, and I take care of the rest. Now, I'm not a selfish doodle, so today I'm going to share my tips to all of my devoted readers.

Introducing...


1. When your guests arrive, greet them outdoors. This is an exciting moment, and you don't want to ruin it by peeing in the house.
Eagerly awaiting the arrival of friends!
2. People like to know they've been missed. Make sure you communicate this to your visitors by jumping up on them every 2 seconds. Add in some crying and frantic barking so that they REALLY get the message.

3. Once your guests are inside your house, give them a tour. Show them each and every toy you have and make sure they know how the staircases work (you've got to walk directly next to people on stairs, otherwise they might fall), and, most importantly, jump on all the furniture so they know how to use it.

4. You want your guests to feel comfortable, but they also need to know that you're the boss. During dinner, take one of your toys and very slowly and deliberately decapitate it in front of a guest. That'll teach them the pecking order real quick!
Hey. Want to see this giraffe's head disappear?
5. How can you make a guest feel like you are pleased to have them in your house? By giving them kisses, of course! Give them big, sloppy kisses on any exposed skin--feet, legs, elbows, armpits, heck, even clothes will work! However, you don't want any one feeling left out, so make sure you lick each guest equally. I find the opportune time to do this is when everyone is seated around the dinner table.

7. Let's talk entertainment. For television, I recommend putting on The Cat's Meow and letting your guests watch to their hearts content. Maybe your guests are more of an active type and would like to play. Take one of your squeaker toys right up to your favored guest and squeak away! If this doesn't get their attention, head butting them with the toy typically does the trick.

8. It's always important that your guests know where they may relieve themselves. This way they can make a quick exit to the bathroom, if necessary.

Bathrooms are this way. Just pick a spot.
9. To get a conversation going, ask your guests open ended questions. This makes it look like you are interested in hearing what they have to say, AND you might learn something new in the process! For instance, I flat out interrogate guests on a certain mysterious object in our house. When I look at it, I see another doodle starting right at me! But I can NEVER find that doodle! Hopefully, one day we will have a houseguest who will be able to explain to me where I can meet this magical doppleganger of mine.
I command you to show yourself doodle! You can't hide from me forever!
10. Lastly, sometimes your guests just don't know when to leave, and you're afraid to ask them because heck, you don't want to look rude! The best thing to do in this situation is to heave a big sigh, flop down on the floor, and go to sleep. That should send your message across loud and clear.

Playing possum until they all leave. 
Well friends, I think that about does it! As long as you've got great food, great wine, and you follow these tips, you will be all set to throw a party. Oh, and whenever conversation lags just talk about me. I hear my parents talk about me ALL. THE. TIME. It's a little embarrassing, but I guess I'm a hot button topic or something because people love it!

Until next time!

Hugs and kisses,

Millie
Karly Kim

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