Friday, October 4, 2013

The Oh-No-No List

I think we all know I enjoy using Parks and Rec gifs to illustrate my points--I think we all know I enjoy Parks and Rec in general (Leslie Knope, you are my role model). So, as I was browsing gifs the other day, I came across this one:

Girl don't even know who Ginuwine is!
Of course, I was instantly reminded of a great episode (everyone rushes off to Donna's lakehouse to throw a surprise party for Jerry--but they forget to invite Jerry), and I had a good laugh over Tom Haverford's Oh-No-No list.

What is an "Oh-No-No" List, you may ask?

Well, Tommy Fresh, in his infinite wisdom, made up a list of things that are essentially dealbreakers in a relationship. In addition to being totally clueless about 90s R&B, other Oh-No-Nos for Tom include sleeping on anything less than 800 thread count sheets and a complete lack of interest for Paul Walker movies.

Jersey knit sheets?!? DUNZO
As per usual, Tom Haverford had a solid gold idea. I think we all need our very own Oh-No-No list-- a neat little set of standards that can tell us when it's time to, "move past and fast, Amanda."

I KNEW I had written my very own list at some point, and after a search through a few of my old journals (because that word is more mature than "diary"), I found the list I wrote after a breakup over four years ago. My 22 year old self considered critter shorts, popped collars, and men who don't like dogs as HUGE Oh No Nos. (In case you're wondering, the Mister met all of these important standards.)

In the spirit of this tremendous idea, I've come up with a new Oh-No-No list for your weekend reading. Ladies, take heed--these come from years of dating frogs. Don't make the same mistakes!

1. A cheapskate
This happened--we were going to a movie theater that served dinner (dinner & a movie, duh), but he first pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru so we wouldn't be that hungry and have to order food at the theater.

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2. Hatin' on hobbies
Look, your POI (Person of Interest, keep up), doesn't have to love Harry Potter the way you do (i.e., you love him so much you could just THROW UP), he just needs to appreciate your hobbies and indulge you in your fantasy of one day receiving that life-changing letter from Hogwarts.


3. Texting ONLY when drunk
Ladies, I'm not one to judge if you're at that point in your life when you just don't mind that your love life is centered around prime drinking hours. We've all been there. But, if you're looking for some serious commitment, you probably need to let it go if the only time he texts is between the hours of 9pm-3am, Thursday-Saturday.

You aren't the only one he's a-textin'.
4. Any person who follows you home uninvited
This also happened to me. I realize this sounds like the opening of a Law & Order: SVU episode, but I didn't feel threatened (I also had five other friends with me that night, one of them being roughly the size of a lumberjack). This story is its own post, that I promise to tell someday, but the point is if he's a great catch, he will wait his turn; otherwise I recommend calling the police or making good use of your pepper spray.

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5. Mean girls
And mean guys. Any person who routinely drives you to consuming a half gallon of cookie dough ice ream is not a person who needs to stick around.

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The points listed above are pretty important, but that's not all--here are a few more Oh-No-Nos:

6. Wearing sunglasses on a string


7. Weird fascination with Kanye West


8. Misuse of "you're" and "your." (It should also be noted that "ur" is not a substitute for either one of those words.)
Never under any circumstances use "ur." 
9. Doesn't know the difference between a Swedish Shortsnout or Norwegian Ridgeback.


10. Has ever uttered the sentiment "You know, I don't really care for Taco Bell."

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The above list does not entail the end all, be all of Oh-No-Nos, but I prefer to keep my lists small, manageable, and at an even number.

So tell me, what are your Oh-No-Nos? Share with me, either by commenting or contacting me, and I will compile a Part Two--Reader's Choice!

Much Love,

Kate


5 comments:

  1. This post literally made me spit out my Diet Coke.

    (Number 9 is clearly the woooooorstest.)

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    Replies
    1. Right?!? One time I was talking to this guy about his tattoo (which looked more like a seahorse than a dragon) and asked him if it was either of the above listed dragons...he was clueless and told me I should ask the tattoo guy.

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  2. Replies
    1. OH stop, you're making me blush!

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  3. When I was still on the dating scene, it was definitely mandatory that a dude had read Harry Potter, or was willing to read them, to be in a relationship with me. I might have questioned my now-boyfriend about this before our first date. So I understand your list very well.

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