Monday, April 21, 2014

Fear Will Hold You Back

Hello my dear readers, and I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend/beautiful Easter Sunday. My brother and his girlfriend came to visit and we had a great time showing them around Loudoun. The weekend included local, craft beers; a feast of crabcakes; a wine tasting; and of course, Easter mass on Sunday followed by a feast at Matt's parent's house.

I was sad when the weekend came to a close. The next two weeks at work are going to be painful, and I have to work this weekend, so no break for me. I know I've probably said this five million times, but this time of year is so stressful at work. Plus, I'm starting this adventure as  Lia Sophia advisor, and I am taking another grad school class next month, and the weight of it all is just starting to get to me. You know me--once I get stressed out about one thing, I actively seek out MORE things that will add to my workload, just to see how much I can take.

Anyway, I wrote today's post back in November when I sponsored the Life of Bon. I never published it on this blog, and I felt it was appropriate today. Now that I am pushing 30, I've been thinking a lot about what I have done with my life, and what I have yet to do. I feel like the former is a short list, and the latter seems to get held up with my severe levels of procrastination.

Maybe this is just me, but when I was in college it was kind of cool to roll your eyes, sigh, and talk about how you're such a procrastinator. I would be up until 3am, playing John Mayer on repeat until I couldn't take it anymore, and then I'd get up early to finish and print off that 8 page paper with only 15 minutes left to jump in my car and head to class.

 photo 8279c8b3-2922-4757-a727-114baa3dbde4_zps4a8b6779.jpg
Birthday cakes: A typical result of my procrastination in college.
Looking back, there was always fear involved--fear of failure, or the fear of creating work that was not up to standard. I also couldn't help but doubt myself. The truth is, when I have these big, important projects coming up, I slowly start to doubt that I am capable of creating high quality work that is completely my own. All that negativity just creeps in and settles in my soul and brings me down. It reaches the point where all I want to do is avoid it, so instead of doing what needs to be done, I'll play candy crush, or read a book, or even go do laundry, because I just don't want to face the fear that I will never be good enough for the standards I've set for myself.

I really want to write a novel--I've wanted to do it for years, and just recently I actually started to work on it. However, I have all this fear pushing me away from it, on top of all these other things that I still need to do as an adult. I can't just drop everything and write, as much as I would like that--I have to take care of my other responsibilities first.

I'm trying really hard to push through years of fear and doubt over my capabilities. It's an uphill climb and most days I just want to quit. Somehow, I keep trying, and I know I don't want to give up right now.

What kind of fears are you battling right now? Remember the words of one of my favorite songs, "Break the Sky," and maybe we'll get through it together:

"fear will hold you back, if you believe in that."
--The Hush Sound

Break the Sky by The Hush Sound on Grooveshark

All Love,

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