Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A Power Couple's Birth Plan

During our pregnancy, as I researched and read blog post after blog post, one phrase kept coming up: birth plan. I was confused, and I certainly wasn't having a Buddy the Elf, "what's a birth plan? I want one!" reaction. As a classic overachiever, I stressed out over it, thinking, "is this homework? How detailed does my birth plan need to be? When do I need to turn it in? Is there a rubric?" Finally, I asked my doctor, and she said it wasn't necessary. Cross that off the to do list!

I understand that for some, a birth plan helps some couples feel some sort of control going into the whole labor and delivery process. For me, the part that comes after the birthing process is what scares me--can someone help me write a "Raise a Child" plan? Because that would be immensely helpful. However, while recently re-reading Amy Phoeler's "Yes, Please," I was inspired to write a Power Couple's Birth Plan--because if I'm going to birth a baby, I'm going to do it as baller as possible.

My Birth Plan

1. We are going to need security to do a full sweep of the premises when the mother's water breaks, to make sure the facilities are clear of paparazzi. Us Weekly has exclusive rights to newborn photos, and we can't have some rogue photographer ruin that! 

2. All iPhones and iPads in the building must be surrendered to the mother, so that she may play candy crush to her heart's content, until things really get going. 

3. Only the pre-approved doctors and nurses will be allowed in the delivery room with the parents. However, if Morgan Freeman happens to be in the area and would like to narrate the birth, it would be most appreciated. 

4. The mother has put together a carefully and thoughtfully curated playlist that MUST be played during the labor and delivery process. Should anyone touch or tamper with said playlist, the mother will SHUT THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN. I swear, I'll shut it down!

The order of the music is unimportant; however, Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" should be played as soon as the baby begins to make an appearance. This is non-negotiable.

5. We formally request that the Ministry of Magic's top Auror be present during the birth--you know, to fend off any unwanted curses.

6. The mother and father will clearly need bonding time immediately following the birth. Please arrange for all three, plus the dog, to be taken by private jet to a tropical, all inclusive resort of their choosing. We expect these expenses to be covered by the $300 copay.

7. The mother has a delicate and fragile digestive system. Therefore, her hospital meals must come from one of the following local vendors: Jimmy John's, Chipotle, Taco Bell, Joe's Pizza, or Kumo Sushi.

That's all--just seven, very simple requests. I suppose I could be flexible--I don't need to play candy crush the whole time, and I understand Mr. Freeman has a very busy schedule. However, it really shouldn't be too difficult to fulfill everything else, don't you think?

What would you include for your birth plan?

linking up with Virginia Bloggers for Friday Favorites

All Love,

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